The Best Funny Quotes : Funny Sayings and Hilarious Quotes (2024)

Spotted on a Laundromat corkboard: “Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.” —Sue Connor

Spotted on a Laundromat corkboard: “Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.” —Sue Connor

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.Steve Martin

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.Steve Martin

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.Gore Vidal

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.Gore Vidal

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.Bonnie McFarlane

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.Steven Wright

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.Steven Wright

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day.Humorist Tom Parry

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day.Humorist Tom Parry

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.Businessman Stanley Randall

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.Businessman Stanley Randall

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?@bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w (Bridger...

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”Demetri Martin

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”Demetri Martin

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.@longwall26

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.@longwall26

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.Jay Leno

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.Rita Rudner

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.Rita Rudner

Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button.@JoshGroban

Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button.@JoshGroban

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.Jimmy Kimmel

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.Jimmy Kimmel

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.Comedian Adam Gropman

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.Comedian Adam Gropman

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what 
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; 
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”Source: cosmopolitan.com

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and...

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.anonymous

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.anonymous

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.Paula Poundstone

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.Paula Poundstone

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.Groucho Marx

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.Groucho Marx

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?Jay Leno

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?Jay Leno

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?Neil DeGrasse Tyson

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.—Robert Brault

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.—Robert Brault

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.—David Letterman

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.—David Letterman

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.—Jerry Seinfeld

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.—Jerry Seinfeld

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”From Rolling Stone

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock...

There's no “I” in denial.Peter Serafinowicz

There's no “I” in denial.Peter Serafinowicz

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?Jay Leno

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?Jay Leno

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?Jon Stewart

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?Jon Stewart

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?Jerry Seinfeld

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?Jerry Seinfeld

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted?Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted?Zach Galifianakis

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant?George Carlin

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant?George Carlin

A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.Comedian Rich Hall

A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.Comedian Rich Hall

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.Stephen Colbert

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.Stephen Colbert

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson 
(@kolchak)• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”? —Ricky Gervais• Cinderella’s 
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and 
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.• Old McDonald was dyslexic, 
I-E-I-E-O. —Billy Connolly• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was. —@andrewhibbard• My wife said she wanted 
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak) • I have never worked out the moral...

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.Comedian Paul Rodriguez

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.Comedian Paul Rodriguez

My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.Sarah Silverman

My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.Sarah Silverman

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.Zach Galifianakis

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.Zach Galifianakis

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.@meganamram

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.@meganamram

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.Comedian Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.Comedian Mitch Hedberg

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through 
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with...

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally 
overboard.Andy Borowitz

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally 
overboard.Andy Borowitz

The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious 
time that each of us 
observes, in his own way, by going to the 
 mall of his choice.Dave Barry

The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious 
time that each of us 
observes, in his own way, by going to the 
 mall of his choice.Dave Barry

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.Conan O'Brien

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.Conan O'Brien

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.David Letterman

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game of charades.Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game of charades.Demetri Martin

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.Wendy Liebman

My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.Rob O’Reilly

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.Rob O’Reilly

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?Jerry Seinfeld

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term fun-sized 
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: 
“disappointment-sized.”Jimmy Kimmel

When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.@ConanOBrien

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.@ConanOBrien

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.Lesley Wake

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.Lesley Wake

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?Lily Tomlin

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?Lily Tomlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten.George Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten.George Carlin

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.Ricky Gervais

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.Ricky Gervais

The late comedian Mitch 
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and 
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”

The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen,...

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t learn 
a thing. It was really 
my own fault. I had 
a double major 
in psychology 
and reverse 
psychology.B. J. Novak, who says he was 
hired as a writer 
for The Office 
on the strength 
of the joke above.

I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology. B. J. Novak,...

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?Abraham Lincoln

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month.Theodore Roosevelt

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month.Theodore Roosevelt

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.”Harry Truman

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.”Harry Truman

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.—Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.—Ronald Reagan

Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.Bill Clinton

Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.Bill Clinton

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.Dolly Parton

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.Dolly Parton

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, “Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.Comedian Mitch Hedberg

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch...

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, 
I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.Mark Twain

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I...

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.Jimmy Fallon

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.Jimmy Fallon

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.Rita Rudner

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.Rita Rudner

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.@jimmykimmel

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.@jimmykimmel

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.—Jeff Valdez

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.—Jeff Valdez

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.—Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.—Rodney Dangerfield

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...—Elayne Boosler

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...—Elayne Boosler